Tornadoes are drawn to trailer parks and stupid fights are drawn to quarter-slot pool tables. Men who fight over pool are the emotional equivalent of women who marry death-row inmates. Losing a game of pool or your chance in line to be in a game of pool doesn’t make you a loser—only you can do that. And from what I’ve seen in the bar, you’re doing it pretty well. I’m just getting tired of breaking it up so I’m going to give you some tips:

One (or “1” in case you can’t spell and love pool balls because they give you time to practice your keen math skills and clever color coordination): If you’re girlfriend loves you because you can play pool—she’s sixteen, go directly to jail, do not play pool, do not collect $100 a stick.

Two (same parenthetical shit): If she loves you because you beat up guys who beat you in pool—she’s on Meth, go directly to Free Parking and get that bitch some help (if you play by Monopoly Alternate Free Parking Rule number 6-113.96b) or just get some dignity.

Three (ditto): If you are fighting over pool just because you can’t pick up chicks. (A) Get into comic books. (B) Discover a “career”. (C) Look into Internet Porn (with broadband connection and left-handed mouse if necessary).

Thanks for your time, get a life. Or at least play pool without fighting.