Has anyone ever had their life threatened in a bar? I’ve had mine threatened at least twenty times over my years and every single threat came after I cut someone off from drinking. There is nothing worse than a drunk who doesn’t know they are drunk or won’t admit it. Of course nobody has killed me yet or I wouldn’t be here blogging these stories to you. I’ve had people show up with three friends after I’ve kicked them out but they never killed me. I’m hoping they never do.

These days, bartenders can be held liable for drunk drivers in a lot of states. I think it’s a bunch of crap. I’ll never serve anyone who I think is drunk but there are a lot of people in a bar and sometimes they come into my bar with booze from the last bar that hasn’t caught up with them yet. How can I know everybody’s limit? I like to err on the side of caution when I can—even if it means a death threat or two along the way.

Still folks, be more responsible to yourself and never drive drunk. And quit threatening to kill your bartenders for trying to do the right thing.

I.

Well, Ole’ St. Patty just had his big day. I call it “amateur night”. On St. Patty’s Day and New Years Eve, you tend to get a lot of people who just don’t get out that much and all the sudden think they are drinking God’s again. These are the nights when tips are great but it makes you wonder if the hassle is worth the hustle. People were literally three to six deep at the bar all day and night. You try to take them as they come but you lose track and you just help who you can (or who tips the best). On these nights you stop being a bartender and really become a sweaty octopus who’s the only thing between the maddening crowd and the “Irish” drinks.

And everyone was certainly drinking “Irish”: Guinness Stout, Jameson, Bushmills, Baileys and Green Beer. I even put green food-coloring in a bottle of cheap Tequila and it sold like mad. Green Jello shots were at a premium too. It was nuts. It always is. One drink that I particularly like and sold a lot of was the “Irish Car Bomb”. Fill a shot glass three quarters of the way up with Jameson (some use Bushmills) and the rest of the way up with Baileys. Then set it beside a half a pint of Guinness. You drop the shot into the Guinness and then toss it all back. Tastes great but use caution.

I’m part Irish and I guess nobody has to be to enjoy this night out. Everyone is famous for something and we got stuck with being famous for being drunks. So be it. We’re not alone and we certainly weren’t alone this past March 17th. Hope you all had a good one.


II.

Here’s a St. Patty’s Day joke:

A bartender is sitting with a few customers at one end of the bar. At the other end sits a man by himself. Another comes in, sits beside this loner and orders a Guinness.
(use Irish accents for both)

Man: I’ll have a Guinness.
Loner: I’m drinking Guinness too. Here’s to Guinness.
(they toast and drink)

Loner: Where are you from, Lad?
Man: I’m from Ireland.
Loner: I’m from Ireland too. Here’s to Ireland.
(they toast and drink)

Loner: Where are you from in Ireland?
Man: I’m from Dublin.
Loner: I’m from Dublin too. Here’s to Dublin.
(they toast and drink)

Loner: What school did you go to?
Man: I went to St. Mary’s.
Loner: I went to St. Mary’s too. Here’s to St. Mary’s.
(they toast and drink)

Loner: What year did you graduate in?
Man: I graduated in ‘75
Loner: I graduated in ’75 too. Here’s to ’75.
(they toast and drink).

At the other end of the bar another customer asks the bartender what is going on to which he looks down at the two men and then replies: “Oh, the fucking O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

(hope it translates as well written as it does said.)

A fight broke out in the bar last night. It was a cat fight which meant that it was about a guy. When two women fight, it’s always about some guy they both dated. It doesn’t ever matter if either one of them has seen the guy for three years. Sometimes men fight over women but that’s not as common. Usually, men fight over being looked at wrong, getting bumped into or losing in pool. Women always fight about a guy. This one was no different. It appeared that one of them had dated him and the other was dating him.

Usually with guys, you can see it coming. It bubbles up slowly with looks and stares and posturing which means, if you’re alert, you can nip it in the bud before it becomes a whirlwind. With women, it just erupts like Mt. Vesuvius. The one last night did.

It started off as usual: Female A (the ex) decided to punch Female B (the current) in the face as she walked by her. Then Female B grabbed hold of Female A’s hair and held on for dear life pulling her to the ground. After that, it was a whirlwind of claws, hair pulling and expletives. Women are hard to separate in a fight because they simply won’t let go of each other’s hair. These were no exception. There’s also the fact that they won’t stop just because you’re in the middle and a lot of times, they want to include you in the scratch-fest. I’ve had my face torn and bloody a few times from women I was trying to break up. Usually, men can be separated and they won’t take a shot at you unless they think you’re coming in to take a shot at them. Women don’t care. They know you won’t hit them and they’re usually so insane at that point they’d claw a tiger.

Last night, I let them tire out a bit and then made sure I had plenty of back-up. Then, covering my eyes and my nads, I went in like Jim on Wild Kingdom. Myself and a few patrons finally got them apart while the boyfriend sat there like fucking Marlon Perkins. He was probably still sleeping with both of them and didn’t want to take sides and ruin one or both booty call situation. Asshole.

Well, I kicked them all out. Female A out the front and then after five minutes, Female B out the back. I also told them to never come back. That usually lasts a few months and then they’re back and sorry as hell and wanting to be reinstated. The boss usually says okay but if I had it my way—anyone who starts a fight would be out forever. And I’m equal opportunity on that—men and women are the same.