Some rules of etiquette for patrons:

Don’t shake your ice at me. I’m not your dog. Just push the glass forward a bit and I’ll get there ASAP.

Don’t pound your empty glass on the bar. You might eat it.

Don’t call me Chief, or Sport, or some other stupid name that you feel makes you look like a big shot in front of your bimbo or your 30-something ‘still want to be in a frat’ friends.

Don’t tell me to ‘put some booze in the next one’. I put booze in the first one, it’s my job and unless you’re an asshole, I already pour a bit heavy.

Don’t try to get me to hook you up with the girls at the end of the bar. If you want to send them a drink, fine, I’ll take it—the message however is up to you. I don’t do singing telegrams.

Don’t complain because we only have two types of wine: red or white. I love wine, that’s why I’d never order the house shit in a typical bar; when I want wine, I go where the wine is.

Don’t complain because we don’t serve food at midnight. Wendy’s is down the street and they’re open late. Besides you shouldn’t have skipped dinner to do three more Irish Car Bombs.

Do Tip Well. Thanks for your time.

Tornadoes are drawn to trailer parks and stupid fights are drawn to quarter-slot pool tables. Men who fight over pool are the emotional equivalent of women who marry death-row inmates. Losing a game of pool or your chance in line to be in a game of pool doesn’t make you a loser—only you can do that. And from what I’ve seen in the bar, you’re doing it pretty well. I’m just getting tired of breaking it up so I’m going to give you some tips:

One (or “1” in case you can’t spell and love pool balls because they give you time to practice your keen math skills and clever color coordination): If you’re girlfriend loves you because you can play pool—she’s sixteen, go directly to jail, do not play pool, do not collect $100 a stick.

Two (same parenthetical shit): If she loves you because you beat up guys who beat you in pool—she’s on Meth, go directly to Free Parking and get that bitch some help (if you play by Monopoly Alternate Free Parking Rule number 6-113.96b) or just get some dignity.

Three (ditto): If you are fighting over pool just because you can’t pick up chicks. (A) Get into comic books. (B) Discover a “career”. (C) Look into Internet Porn (with broadband connection and left-handed mouse if necessary).

Thanks for your time, get a life. Or at least play pool without fighting.