04.24.06

I actually had someone put a spell on me the other night. I’m not kidding (or at least they weren’t kidding). They ordered a drink, I made it, they didn’t like it, and so I made them another. They didn’t like it either, so I made yet another. They didn’t like it and I refused to make a fourth drink when I’ve already made thousands just like it and was pretty sure I had it down. So, they stood up, and began to mumble at me in a strange language. Then told me that I was henceforth cursed. No telling what exactly the curse was though. I hope they didn’t make me 30 IQ points lower, cause then I might believe in magic and really be freaked out.

I used a little magic of my own and made them disappear—at least from the bar.

Now, I’ve had a lot of strange things happen in my day but a magic curse? Give me a fucking break. I’m not a believer in magic or witchcraft or any other tomfoolery. It’s just a bunch of medieval bullshit.

Look, I know some folks are hard-pressed to believe in something to feel special but I just wished that they could keep it out of the realm of make-believe or at least far away from me. And if nothing else, I wish they’d learn what fucking drink they are trying to order before they turn into the Wicked Witch of the West. Besides, if they really knew magic, why not just conjure up your own fucking drink in the first place? That way, it’d be perfect and we’d all be happy. Morons. Magical, pathetic, morons oh my.

A customer asked me the other day if I thought there was any hope of robots taking over my job: bartending. I told her that I didn’t think it would happen anytime soon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s happened somewhere-probably a bar in Japan-but I just don’t see it catching on here for awhile. At least, unlike some customers, I hope not.

I’m sure a robot could recognize a regular’s retina and call them by name and pour their favorite drink or listen to an order and prepare it for a complete stranger. I’m sure it’s possible for a bar owner to save money in the long run because with a robot there are no (or at least fewer) mistakes and heavy pours. There’d be less dipping from the drawer (a habit some unscrupulous people practice). There’d be an instant database to settle disputes. There’d be no human errors or frailties. There’d be not attitudes from silly humans who don’t appreciate being talked down to by those they serve. There’d be no need for tips. And there’d be no need to interact with another human at all while you get a buzz on in a public place. I’m sure some would find this option attractive. Why deal with a human when you have an electronic slave, they might argue?

Machines have replaced humans in many aspects of human life: ATM’s instead of clerks at banks, Voice Menus on the phone instead of customer service representatives, and assembly-line machines that make other machines. All of these things and more have happened with more on the way. Thus, maybe I’m silly to think that I (and thousands like me) won’t be replaced someday by robots. And, I’m also sure the day will come that when only robots serve us, we may end up serving them. Who knows, maybe they’ll be better customers too. Hopefully they are programmed to tip well.