Stardate 14th October 2005

Today, I had to kill a client.

Well, not in the traditional sense of killing, although I wouldn't mind doing that at times. What, like you never thought of killing someone?! Right...Anyway, this knucklehead who's name I won't mention because it would be unfair to him, Steve White, is an actor I found doing a one man show in the basement of a bar in Venice for 3 drunk people and a waitress. I stumble into the place by mistake thinking there was an AA meeting going on. No, I'm not AA, I just learned from a movie called "The Player" it's a great way to make contacts because every other person in Hollywood is. By the way, that goes for going to the coke meeting and the Bulimics. Bring a Twinkie, you'll get the best blowjob of your fucking life!

Anyway, I go down here and see this guy pouring his heart out. Well, actually, I see the tits on the waitress. Great tits. And yes, assholes, I did get to play with them later. Tits-- they're not just for kids!

After I get done staring at Tit's MaGee's assets and I put my boner in check, I notice Steve doing his thing. And fuck me but he's actually good. Better than good. A little spit and polish and this guy has the makings of a star.

So I sign him.

I even loan him some money to get some decent clothes. I set him up on what I call the Test Audition. This is when an agent sends a client to audition for someone he’s friends with so he can get honest feedback. And honestly, the feedback is very good. So my hunch is right.

Now it's time to get down to the real work. I know that Marti (that's Martin Scorsesse) is doing a new movie Steve would be perfect for-- the second lead...will make him a star. So I bust my ass to convince Marti he needs to see this guy and then stop looking. Marti likes me because I introduced him to Leo at a party and they ended up making two movies together...thus far. Leo is his new DeNiro. Shit, I hope Bobby ain't pissed at me.

Anyway, he agrees to see Steve and not anyone else until he does. Great. We're in. Oh wait, I didn't realize Steve is a FUCKING MORON!!! He doesn't show up to the meeting. I track his slacker ass down and find out he's all bent up about some girl who dumped him. For fuck sake, get a pair of balls and move on. Okay, maybe that's a little insensitive, but hey, he becomes a star she'll come running back...her future divorce attorneys not far behind her.

So I snap Steve out of it and set up another audition. Marti's pissed but he's been around long enough to know that actors are flakes.

What does Steve do? Yep, you guessed it, he blew off the audition again. After I listen to Marti scream at me for ten minutes on the phone telling me I'm the asshole, I find Steve. He was bullshitting me about the girl. It was all an act. (Like I said, he's a great actor.) He tells me the real reason he didn't go is because he's out of shape and he thinks he'll look like shit on film. Uh, dude, there's such a thing called A GYM! Or like, EATING HEALTHIER!!! But no, he says that he just quit smoking and the only way for him to lose weight is for him to start smoking again because he's not discipline enough to do it any other way and no roll is worth his life.

Yeah, Assface? Well no client is worth my life either, so go find some other agent to hold your hand and walk you threw the ways of the world because Sid is Sidbye, Sidgone, Siddon'tcallmeeveragainassfacemotherfucker!!!

Sid, over and out.