Stardate 31 Dec. 2005
I'm sorry that I haven't gotten to all you Lovers, Minos, Stranger, and other things in a week but I was busy. Fucking Holiday season and all-- Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Chanukah. You know I mean it. You know I love ya. I'm not going to say "Happy Holidays" because it's stupid. We say "Happy New Year" yet there are eight hundred fucking New Years. Ours. The Chinese New Year. The Jewish New Year. You name it. If there's a "people" they have a new year and a holiday and good God damn good for them. My dog, when he was alive, had a new years too. "Happy Get to Lick My Balls New Year." He celebrated it three to four times a day. Hey, I would too. Who am I kidding? No I wouldn't. I'd celebrate it ten to twenty times a day!
Where was I? Oh, right, I was fucking crazed these past few weeks. Why? I was busy going over the list and checking it twice to make sure my hot ass assistant went out and bought gifts for all my clients who were naughty and nice. If you know me, you know the naughty ones got MUCH better gifts. Actually, the moneymakers get the better gifts. And usually they are naughty horny toads. There are three levels of gifts this time of year. All managers and agencies have it: A few thousand dollars spent on clients who make you the most money and yet are the ones who don't need the free swag because they can afford to buy anything they freakin' want. (Ah, that's life my little Minos.) Then there are the clients who made some money and/or you know have big potential. They get the gift baskets of goodies. Then there's the clients who don't make a lot of money and you don't think have any chance; they get a card that reads something like "A Generous Donation Has Been Made To Such-And-Such Charity In Your Name." Some clients actually buy that shit. Those are the ones you dump at the end of January. Then there are the smart ones who know you were going to donate a fixed sum no matter if you had 10 clients or 100 and they better get there act together or next year there card is going to read NO CARD because I dumped there fucking ass.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
No, I'm not fucking playing Santa Claus. I Just saw a couple of hookers walking down the beach and couldn't resist. I'm sure you're wondering what I got Danny for Christmas. A card. That's right, he got one of those fucking charity in your name cards. I hope he knows what that means, because he has 365 days-- wait, it's a leap year so make that 364 days to get his act together and realize he ain't Howard fucking Roark and he isn't in Kansas anymore. He needs to take assignments and write shitty ass movies like every other sell-out writer/director/actor in this town.
Hacks. They're fucking HACKS! That's why I admire Danny and DON'T YOU EVER TELL HIM OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES. He ain't a hack. He never will be. And that's why I'll probably have to dump him in 364.
Gotta make money. And idealists don't make you any money. They just get you thinking how much of a sell out you've become.
Speaking of selling out, let's talk about this fine movie business we are in-- one of America's most important and profitable exports which is down over 11% this box office year. And since it's the end of the year it's time for your buddy Sid to give you the low down on what's out there and what you should see and shouldn't see. First of all, it was a banner year in Hollywood. Somehow, they managed to make more SUCK ASS FUCKING CRAP PIECES OF DINOSAUR SHIT MOVIES then ever in the history of this phoney tinsel town. (For those who don't know it, Dinosaur shit is about as big a dump as you can fucking take.)
The thing is, I went into the business because I use to love to go to movies to escape. Now I can't wait to escape from the movies I go to.
And to be honest, I don't go to many movies anymore. No one in the business goes to movies. If they watch them, they get them delivered to their house's where they watched them in their plush movie room with two overstuffed couches and another six overstuffed chairs. There, in the comfortable multi million dollar world that very few live in, they see what they like and what they don't. Sometimes they watch on their own, sometimes with their family's, sometimes they watch with there friends, sometimes they watch with some hot chick they told could see "The Dukes Of Hazard" before it comes out so they can get a blow job while Jessica Simpson is on the screen doing her thing. Okay, yeah, that last example was me. So the fuck what? You would if you could. The studio sent over the movie to my house the week before it opened because they want a client of mine for the sequel they've already decided to make and there was NO FUCKING WAY and I was going to watch it without jerking off to Jessica or getting head from some actress. And since I could sit back and relax while the blond with the silicone lips and tits could do her thing while I watch the movie and eat popcorn -- why not. You'd do the same thing -- if you could. You can't. I can. Get over it.
But I can also still see movies at theatres, just like the rest of you-- and I do. (I do, however, envy you because you watch a movie as a fan, and no matter what, I still have some business going on when I watch it. Man, innocense lost sucksass!) Watching movies at a movie theatre with the regular folks is something very few people in my position ever do. Let me say that again. People who run the movie business DON'T GO SEE MOVIES IN MOVIE THEATERS! That would be like Bill Parcels never going to a football game...just coming up with strategies that they put on paper-- never truly seeing how the play works LIVE because that's the only way you can see why it did or didn't work. Not on TV. Live. That way you can make the team better. Same in my business. If you don't have the movie experience with the audience that actually sees it you don't know what the audiences truly like and why something worked or didn't. You are out of touch-- and that is what most of this town is...out of touch.
All facets of the movie industry.
The people who Greenlight the movies and those who market them. Some of those marketing people FUCK UP REALLY GREAT MOVIES. You look at the trailer or commercials and think, "Who the fuck wants to see that piece of shit" (and it's not but you don't know it 'cause the trailer is so fucking bad) or you learn the entire movie from the fucking trailer so there is no freakin; reason to go see it. Clint once told me, (yes, that's Eastwood my little minos), that they give away too much in the trailers. Make it simple. Give them a hint. Say it like a whisper...so they want to see the rest.
I can't remember what I liked this year other than "Wedding Crashers" and "40 Year Old Virgin." Oh, and "Crash." That's it. THAT'S IT! Now, I admit, I still haven't seen a lot of the movies that were just released and I am praying some of them will actually be good. But thanks the fuck lot for going 11 months of crap only to maybe, MAYBE release a few golden tickets at the end of the year. Oh, yeah, I did like "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" (always put Johnny Depp in a movie with "Chocolate" in the title...For that matter, aways put Johnny Depp in a movie if it has a title.) and "Batman Begins" (although I still would like to know how he became such a great fighter...before he was trained to become an even greater fighter.) If I was a consumer out there who goes to see movies, I'd write the company that released the movie after about 75% of all movies I see DEMANDING my money back. "Hey, you lied to me fucknuts! You told me it was 'funny or 'exciting or 'something I've never seen' movie. Fuck You! It sucked ass!!!"
Maybe I'll start a class action suit. Let me know if you're in or out.
I hate this business because it's destroying the very thing I love. Movies.
On that note, let me tell you what to see. The "Lords of Dogtown." It Will clens your soul-- make you believe in magic again. (BUT first watch the documentary..."Dogtown & Z Boys." AMAZING movie. Then watch "Lords..." Then watch "Riding Giants." Why? 'CAUSE I SAID SO! Trust me on this one. If I was telling you to trust me on a deal or with your sister, DON'T. But when it comes to telling you what movies to see, I will always, ALWAYS be 110% honest with you.) Sure, I live in Venice so I am bias and think those movies are the bomb. (They are, in a way, about Venince. Or what Venice did to change our culture.) None of those movies did shit at the box office because the studio fuckwards were too buys sinkin g $30 million into marketing shit movies-- like anything Michael Bay makes. (What the fuck?!) Go see those movies. They honest and it's real and what movies should be. So, there you have it.
Smell that? Smells like pussy.
Happy New Year, Little Minons. Have a great 2006. Remeber, you will if you go after your dreams.
What?! Who the fuck am I kidding. Dreams? Right. You'll have a good years if you bang your brains out until your numb!
